Well I don’t know about you guys, but I definitely did not see that one coming. Trust me, if you knew me before last year you really know that I was not a fan of myself getting married. My plan in life was to be the stereotypical “career woman”. I would focus on getting a book published, then in my forties become a cougar and date younger men because I think it would be fun, then fifties adopt a child. The thought of finding love and investing your life with someone else just seemed exhausting to me and I liked the idea of becoming a cougar. Of course like any person I dreamt from time to time (especially after watching Disney) about that one person out there in the world for me, but I didn’t actually see it happening. I’ll even quote one of my first blogs from when I arrived in England in 2015, “The Lord-Mayor of Norwich even greeted all the students to Norwich noting that UEA is known for people meeting their future spouses, which I am pretty sure she was lying about so don’t get too excited mom.” So how did it happen? How did the this anti-marriage gal get herself hitched in a matter of only two years? One word, Tinder. I know, I know, jaw dropping.
For those who aren’t familiar with the world of tinder it is this superficial dating app on your phone that you swipe left if you are not interested in knowing a person and right if you are. My previous experiences in using this app in California had led to awkward uncomfortable situations, many let downs, and terrifying scenarios that probably I should not post because I know my mom will be reading this. Howdy mom! Okay, okay, you pulled my arm I will tell you one vague story. I did have a creepy man who wanted me to meet his mom on the first date and kept threatening me because I did not want to meet up. I had to utilise my two friends to pretend to be “ghetto” and threaten this guy’s delicate regions (hi mom!) over the phone in order for him to quit bothering me. He bought their “ghettoness” too because I never heard from him again. Thank god for friends willing to threaten men for you! Am I right?
Tinder showed me the different strategies that men thought were effective for approaching a woman. Guys I know some of you are desperate, but get to know a woman first before you send certain photos (photos of their “dogs” mom nothing else…) Also I found that there are types of photos men like to display of themselves. For instance, we got the classic “lost in the crowd” pictures where a man puts a bunch of pictures of him “hanging out with his bros”, but doesn’t signify who he is in these photos so you have to guess and kind of hope you are swiping right for the only cute man in the photo. Then there are the “too active” men, the men who take loads of photos of them climbing mountains, jogging marathons, skydiving, etc. Sure some are good looking but damn! I usually swiped left to those knowing full well my fat ass could not keep up. Then we have the “peacocks” the men who show things off like their fancy cars or their six pack with no face in the picture. We get it, you have no life aside from your superficiality. Just stop. Then we got the dopes who post photos of them with other girls. Who is this hot girl next to you? I don’t want to know you have attractive friends that are better looking than me! The “Are you cute?” photos where you are not quite sure if they are cute or not, but you just have to hope that that one good photo is what they actually look like. And finally, the trend going around when I was on Tinder, that actually made me angry, was the “big cat” photos; in which, people would take photos lying in front of or next to a live tiger or lion with no safety between them. Like what? Why? How? How was this even possible and where did they even take these photos? I once asked a man where he took his photo and he said, “It is for me to know and you to find out. ;)” Unmatched him in a heartbeat. Don’t play with my emotions! I need a picture with a tiger!
I feel like I could do an entirely separate blog just on my California tinder experiences because most of it was bad, not all of it, but most of it. Heck! I could have been the Carrie Bradshaw (Sex in the City reference) of Tinder. Anyway, that was California tinder England was much different.
Months into my studies in England I started wanting male attention and was bored, which lets face it is why many women go on Tinder in the first place, so I opened up the app once again. I had really low expectations from the start; however, I was slightly hoping English men were more “polite” in their approach. And oh boy were they ever so polite! In fact they were way too polite! Everyone wanted to talk for weeks before meeting! When I asked about getting coffee men would either stop talking to me or say “oh no lets get to know each other first”, but can’t we do that face to face? I usually preferred to get a coffee/tea almost immediately and not waste two weeks small talking to see if I finally like you in person. Also, for some reason I have, well had, an irrational fear of talking with an attractive guy weeks on Tinder, but then ending up meeting him in person and finding out his voice was weird and nasally. It is weird and I know my voice is no bed of roses but you know that is why it is called an irrational fear. Plus, coffee/tea dates are cheap and a great way if you want to leave a really just god awful date early.
Anyhow, while small talking the same, “Hey. How are you? Where do you work? Yadda yada yada,” with a few guys who probably would not ask me out for a few weeks, I matched with a Chris (well another one since there seems to be about a billion guys named Chris in England), THEN I matched with THE Chris. BAM! Cliffhanger.