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Part 3: I Won’t Say I’m In Love!

It has been a hectic couple of months with work, the holidays, and visiting loved ones in California (shout out!) that writing the blog was put on the shelf for a while, but I wrote this part 3 and never posted it. I thought I might as well since it has no purpose but for this silly blog. So now without further adieu I bring to you all part three of the Chris and Michelle love story saga. I know, I know, you are all too excited.

It was a rainy weekday evening (not unlike most evenings in England) in May 2016. Chris and I were about two months into our relationship and just finished dinner. We decided to watch a movie and cuddle before he took me back to my very small yet loud (from half-term late night parties) University accommodation. I don’t recall the film we watched exactly because the next few moments greatly overshadowed whatever it was. I do remember at a laughing point in the movie Chris just spew from nowhere, “Michelle, I love you”. I quickly looked up at him in disbelief like a deer in headlights. My heart started to race. Thoughts were racing in my head.

He said what? Omg what do I say? He keeps staring at me. Oh my god what do I do?  He lo-oves me? Ah he is still staring! Do I love him? I don’t know. Why is there so much staring? Where did this come from? We have just been doing the usual “I really REALLY like you”, but never the big L word (the love word not the lesbian word). Oh shit. He is still staring! I bet he is waiting for an answer. What do I say? What do I say?!

“Thank you?” I responded with a hint of uncertainty. A big slap to the face, “thank you”.

Still trapped in the aftermath of the moment I panicked. Thinking ways on how to save myself. Maybe I should force start making out or should I not look at him for the rest of the night? Oh boy, this was not going to end well.

I could not believe I fell into one of the most played out scenarios in films and sitcoms of what not to do when someone says the words, I love you. I knew by uttering those words I blew it. In almost every sitcom scenario it ended up with someone getting offended, not talking to other person for days, or possibly even leading to a break up! Heck! If I dropped the L bomb on him and he responded with a thank you I would be definitely offended.

Chris probably could tell I was almost hyperventilating and decided to just laughed and say something along the lines as this, “Don’t panic. You don’t have to say it back. I don’t want to rush or push you to say anything you don’t feel. I just wanted to say it because I felt it.” In my head there was a huge sigh of relief and also guilt, guilt that I could not say I love you back.

What he said kept going through my head over and over again for the rest of the night. He did not want to rush me? He just wanted to say it because he felt it? After years and years of telling myself that no guy could love me because of this insecurity or because of that insecurity, I couldn’t believe some guy would say it to me as plain as day. How brave, and some might say dumb of him, to leave his heart on the table like that. It made me admire him even more, but was it exactly love?

The next morning I remember waking up thinking of him and my heart felt all squishy (not sure if that is the correct way to describe it…) and frantic inside. Oh shit, I thought, I think I do love him. I started to get angry at myself. I turned into the cliche of all cliches!

It took me over a month to admit that I loved him back, luckily for me he stuck around. I felt like Megara from the Disney film Hercules going back and forth in my head singing “I Won’t Say I’m In Love” (video provided just for those who did not have a good childhood) Disney’s Won’t Say I’m In Love. I wished that little tiny women muses would sing in the background “who’d you think you’re kidding” and tell me it was okay I was in love, but I didn’t I just had my good ol’ friends, Ms. Anxiety and Mr. Panic, to torture my mind constantly. Do you actually love him? You gotta figure this out before he leaves you!

When I finally did say the L word it was the most anti climatic I love you ever. Again we were watching TV because you know TV is so romantic. “I love you, Chris.” I blurted out.

“Sure. I love you too.” Chris kissed me and we continued watching TV.

That was it. We both loved each other. Done. Time to now cue the uplifting romantic comedy music to this overly cheesy bit of the blog. THIS WILL BE AN EVERLASTING LOOOOVEEE FOR MEEE!!

This was similar to how we discussed any new step of our relationship. Moving in? He suggested it and after a month with good ol’ Ms. Anxiety and Mr. Panic questioning how much I loved him I say yes. Marriage? Even up to the very moment I was walking down the aisle I still was asking myself, Do I really love him enough to do this? It is just love can be so scary. To trust someone enough to give them your love is scary. There is no other way to describe it besides scary that is why you put a lot of thought and consideration and tons of panic into it.

Part 4: The Wedding, but before that a little blog about our trip to California.

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